Doxie’s Maximum Zoomies Overdrive Roast

Warning: this bag contains weaponized caffeine levels. One innocent sip and your perfectly calm dachshund transforms into a 12-pound furry missile — ears pinned back, eyes manic, launching off furniture like a rocket-powered sausage, barking at dust motes, and completing seventeen laps around the house before you even set your mug down. Zoomies so violent they register on the Richter scale.

A no-apologies, high-octane blend of Tanzania’s brightest peaberry Arabica and India’s finest Robusta — roasted medium-dark to extract every last milligram of caffeine Mother Nature allows. This is legally the strongest coffee we can sell without a prescription.

Tasting notes (recorded during peak zoomie):

• Dark chocolate rocket fuel
• Molasses turbo boost
• A savage nutty kick that screams “CHASE ME HUMAN!”
• Zero subtlety, maximum propulsion

Medium-Dark Roast │ Tanzania Arabica + India Robusta │ Caffeine content: YES Perfect for humans who need to outrun their own dachshund or survive the 5 a.m. “I saw a shadow” bark alarm on three hours of sleep.

Side effects may include: spontaneous furniture parkour, stolen socks, and one very proud (but exhausted) sausage passed out in victory position ten minutes later.

Proceed with caution. Or don’t. We’re not your doxie’s lawyer.